WoWzers
by HappyMess
Summary: It's Edward's 35th Birthday. Come celebrate and find out what he has hidden in his basement. Silly story, somewhat crackfic.


Written for my fic 'mom and dad.'

Take this story with a grain of salt, it's an unbeta'd silly mess filled with inside jokes.

* * *

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

_Now, everybody, have you heard? If you're game, the stroke's the word..._

Bella woke with a start, hearing Billy Squier's sexy voice coming through her speakers and simultaneously having Boo, her beloved and very fluffy Calico pussycat, claw her way over Bella's face, hissing at the radio. Darn cat never did have any taste.

Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she haphazardly reached for the alarm clock to hit the snooze button. With her other hand scratching Boo behind the ears, she rolled over to face Edward, the birthday boy.

Much to her surprise, the bed was perfectly made, a clear indicator that Edward hadn't come to bed the previous night as he could never manage to make it out how she liked; straight out of a Laura Ashley catalog.

A few minutes later, Billy's voice boomed over the radio again. Bella loved The Stroke so much that it was the only song on the CD; she just played it on repeat.

Boo gave one last half-hearted hiss at the radio before scurrying off the bed and out of the room, probably to go hide under the couch. Bella shook her head at her cat. Crazy pussy.

Getting out of bed, Bella began to dance, shaking her hips and waving her arms above her head erratically, as if she was trying to catch someones attention.

Resisting the urge to strip her pajamas off and dance (something she found herself often struggling with), Bella waited until the song was over to go in search of her husband.

After almost tripping over Boo, who just always seemed to be right under her feet, she scooped the cat up in her arms and went through the kitchen, seeing a fresh pot of coffee brewing and continued to the living room.

Edward was sitting with his back towards her at the small desk in the corner of the living room that housed his computer. Yes, _his_ computer. It had a gigantic monitor nearly as big as their flat screen tv and had a slight curve to it. He treated the computer like his baby, constantly doing things with it and talking her ear off about all this doo hickey's and thing-a-ma-bobbers that Bella couldn't begin to understand.

Boo struggled against Bella, digging her nails into Bella's throat, until she finally released her. Edward still hadn't heard any of the commotion going on behind him, his eyes were still glued to the screen.

He was playing World of Warcraft.

"Edward?" Bella called, walking up to him. He often got so engrossed in the game that he would skip meals or forget to mow the lawn or shower, but it had been a while since he actually hadn't slept. He usually wanted to be in 'peak mental condition' when he played.

With still no response, Bella walked over to him, putting both her hands on his shoulders.

Edward whipped his head around, revealing bloodshot eyes which he rapidly blinked, trying to get everything to come into focus.

"Hey, Bella. I'll be in bed in a minute, k? I'm just finishing this up." Edward said, not sparing another glance as he went back to his game.

"It's 8 in the morning, Edward. I'm awake." Bella notified him, staring over his shoulder as he moved around a little green guy on his screen.

"Oh. Sorry, I just got caught up, I guess."

Bella kissed the back of his head. "It's okay. Happy birthday, by the way. Thirty-five."

"Thanks. We're still carrying on our tradition...right?" Edward turned off his game and swiveled the chair around to face Bella, a smirk on his face.

Every birthday or anniversary, Bella turned a blind eye to Edwards strange eating habbit. Bacon. She even went as far as to cook it for him without complaining or hinting about clogged arteries and cholesterol.

She even stocked up for the occasion this year, buying almost ten packs of thick cut bacon.

"You're the best," Edward replied, smiling widely and kissing her cheek. "I'm going to go check the vodka. I hope it's strong enough, now!"

Rolling her eyes, Bella sighed, watching Edward leap out of his seat with enthusiasm and head towards the basement door.

Edward and his equally bacon-minded friend, Emmett had gotten the brilliant idea to infuse bits of bacon and slices of Jalapenos into vodka and leave it sitting for six weeks. In time for his birthday. Tonight, him and Emmett would be drinking it at the little dinner party I was having for Edward.

Thank god Emmett's wife Rosalie would be there, Bella needed some sanity in the madness.

Edward skipped back up the steps, a huge grin on his face. "It's ready! I just know it. I can't wait!"

Bella gave him a humoring smile and returned her attention back to the skillet she currently had the thirty five pieces of bacon cooking.

Humming the The Stroke, for the umpteenth time, Bella felt Edward still next to her and glanced back, seeing his eyes glazed over and mouth hung open.

Not with desire for her, but for the bacon.

She rolled her eyes.

"Bacon's ready. I'm going to go go uh...check my email."

Picking up the too hot piece of bacon, Edward didn't bother trying to cool it before shoving the whole piece in his mouth, folding it over to fit.

"You mean go read that porn stuff."

Bella blushed. "What? No. It's not _porn_. It's fanfiction. And don't talk with your mouth full. Gross"

"It's porn. Kinky shit at that. I remember that time you left the page open. Kissing cocks and whips and ball gags."

"Gosh, Edward. They're stories about love and romance."

"Yeah, about some stupid teen vampire that sparkles. Freaking sparkles!" Edward huffed. "Vampires don't sparkle!"

"Can you just go get Squishy ready? I want him looking cute for pictures."

Squishy was their second child, after their beloved pussy Boo. He was a stuffed animal Penguin that they took everywhere with them, vacation, out to dinner, the movies. They always packed a small, portable doll crib on vacation and made sure he was strapped safely in the car seat of their Crossover.

"Of course." Piling the rest of the bacon on a plate, Bella watched in amused horror as Edward's fingers got increasingly greasy and the grease from the bacon ran down his chin.

"Wash your hands and face first!" Bella scolded.

Once Bella made sure Edward was out of his hearing, she cleaned up her bacon mess, making sure to store all the extra fat and called Rose to make sure the cake was still holding up and Emmett hadn't discovered it and eaten it.

Last night when Edward had been at his Guy Night of pool, vodka and cigars with Emmett and some other guys at the office, Bella went over to Rose's to bake Edwards cake. And an extra one for Rose and her to eat.

It was a layer cake, but instead of the normal cake, it was layers of pancakes. Instead of frosting to hold together the layers, in between the cakes was a layer of maple syrup and strips of bacon. Then, on the sides of the cake was strips of bacon and the entire thing was covered in a maple syrup frosting. There was also some sliced up bananas on the top and Bella would make sure there was bacon bits, whipped cream, chocolate syrup and caramel sauce in case Emmett and Edward felt it needed something extra.

"Hey, Bella. Yes, the cake is fine," Rose greeted me immediately.

Bella breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Rose. I'm surprised Emmett didn't devour it. Or at least tell Edward."

"Luckily, I thought to put it in the cake box and put a sticky on it that said 'fruit platter.' No way in hell Emmett would touch that thing. So we come over tonight at six?"

Bella clarified the time with Rose and hung up, going to the fridge to check on the other cake. Knowing Edward wouldn't be as excited about a regular chocolate cake, Bella felt it safe to leave the decoy cake at home.

Deciding it was time for a shower and to get ready, Bella started humming The Stroke again, stripping down to her birthday suit as she danced and twirled through the house.

Entering the bathroom, Bella found Edward standing in front of the sink, which was filled with sudsy water, lathering up Squishy with shampoo.

"Aww, look at my precious little boy," Bella cooed, leaning over to make kissy faces at the stuffed animal.

"He needed a bath," Edward responded, scrubbing Squishy's head with one hand, the other holding the piece of bacon he was nibbling on.

After a quick shower, Bella toweled off, wrapping her hair in the towel and danced back to her room, naked.

"I love dancing and stripping!" Bella exclaimed to no one.

Turning up her The Stroke CD, Bella dressed and went to the kitchen to begin prepping their dinner.

On the menu for the night was bacon wrapped asparagus for starters, bacon wrapped fillet Mignon with twice baked potato and cheesy broccoli with bacon bits.

An hour later, Bella had most of the prep work done and Edward reappeared, carrying an overall and birthday hat clad Squishy.

"Look at daddy's little boy." Edward smiled, holding Squishy out to her.

Boo must have been jealous of all the attention her inanimate brother was receiving, because she crawled out of where she was hiding and clawed at Edwards leg. When he didn't immediately acknowledge her, she dug her claws in his pants tighter and climbed her way up his body, earning squeals of pain from Edward.

"Bad pussy!" Edward admonished. He always knew he preferred Squishy for a reason.

After having Bella pry the offending pussy off of him, Edward announced he was going outside to enjoy a cigar, leaving Bella time to set up the dining room with the party decorations. After an extensive search online, Bella had been able to find WoW themed party supplies, so she set about decorating everything with streamers, balloons and bits of confetti that said 'WoW.'

After Edward finished his cigar and Bella finished decorating the dining room and banishing Edward from entering, they each got on their own computers, Edward playing WoW and Bella reading her online porn, erm...fanfiction.

Soon enough it was nearing six and Bella forced herself to turn off her laptop, having gotten to a particularly steamy part in one of her stories where the main female character was roped to a wall like a big, naked spider while blindfolded and gagged.

Edward was back in his WoW induced haze and this time it seemed Edward could not be brought out of his stupor. If it wasn't for her, he would probably end up one of those guys that sat day and night in front of the computer and ended up being hospitalized for dehydration.

"Oh, for the love of poo, Edward!" Bella put her hands on her hips. "I need you to get out of that chair and change your bacon greased shirt."

At the magic word, Edward turned around. "We have bacon?"

"Go get changed."

0-0

When Edward walked in to the dining room, holding Squishy and saw all the decorations, his eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning and jumped up and down, clapping his hands and kissing Bella sloppily on her cheek.

Sitting Squishy down in his high chair, Edward made sure he was comfortable before situating himself.

Two hours later, Emmett and Edward had gorged themselves on all the food and were insisting they were stuffed.

"But it's time for cake!" Bella whined over the Billy Squier playing in the background.

"Bella, the cake will still be there tomorrow. We can have Emmett and Rose over for cake then."

"No way. We're doing it now. Trust me. Please? I spent a lot of time on it."

Sighing, Edward agreed to eat just a small slice.

In the kitchen, Bella opened up the cake box which Rose had brought over. Adding 35 candles, she took her time lighting them and hoped she wouldn't trip and fall, causing her house to catch fire.

Bella walked out into the dining room, holding the cake and began singing Happy Birthday. Rose and Emmett joined in.

After he blew out all the candles and Bella moved to slice the cake, Edward spoke up.

"Wait, what is this, Bella? I thought we were having that chocolate cake in the fridge?"

When Bella explained to him what the cake was, Edward's mouth hung open and he was speechless.

"Pancakes, bacon and syrup?" He asked, once he recovered.

"Yup. I thought you'd-" Bella was cut off by Edward, who leaped out of his chair and began making out with her in a way that was meant for behind closed doors.

After Edward felt he had thanked Bella enough, she continued to slice into the cake, cutting big pieces for both Edward and Emmett.

The noises they made as they ate it were oddly reminiscent of listening to porn with no picture. In one word, it was disturbing. The grunts, sighs and groans that came from the two men made both Bell and Rose uncomfortable as they ate their basic chocolate cake and drank coffee.

"Wowzers," Bella exclaimed once Edward and Emmet managed to finish off half the cake. "I thought you two were full?"

"Never to full for bacon, Bella." Edward informed, causing Emmett to nod his head in agreement.

Boo was sitting on the ground besides Edwards feet, meowing halfheartedly ever few minutes, begging for anything that Edward would feed her.

Taking pity on his pussy, he set down his plate that was streaked with maple frosting and Boo dug in, purring in contentment.

When Edward declared it time for vodka, Emmett squealed and clapped his hands, then making drum roll sounds against the table as Edward went downstairs to retrieve the bottle and a couple of glasses.

Rose and Bella watch on in morbid fascination as they each poured themselves a shot and clinked their glasses together before downing it all in one gulp.

"That is AWESOME!" Edward exclaimed, burping loudly.

A little while later, Rose and Bella were still watching as they continued downing the bacon and jalapeno vodka and were getting increasingly intoxicated.

Once Emmett began stumbling, Rose declared it time to leave, even though Edward and Bella graciously offered them the guest bedroom for the night, just in case Emmett got too sick and needed extra taking care of. Rose declined though, knowing Bella had extra plans for her and Edward and with a wink and a 'call me,' they left for the night.

"I'm beat, why don't you go get ready for bed and i'll just finish cleaning all this up"

Edward agreed, thanking Bella for a wonderful birthday and disappeared into the bedroom.

After cleaning up, Bella went into the garage to the fridge they kept there and carefully changed into her WoW elves costume...made entirely of bacon. She even went ahead and bought the elves ears she found on the same website as all the party supplies.

After applying them, she went back into the house and checked herself out in the mirror. She looked, well, as good as could be expected wearing bacon. A little greasy and a little smelly, but she knew Edward would love it.

Opening the door to the bedroom, Edward was propped up in bed reading a book on Financial Conversation Analysis. When he heard the door open, his mouth dropped open.

"Bella, hands down, best birthday ever."


End file.
